Mattel Unveils New ‘Make-Me-Pretty’ Barbie

EL SEGUNDO, CA — At a press conference earlier today, Bryan G. Stockton, CEO of Mattel Inc., proudly announced Make-Me-Pretty Barbie, a new addition to the company’s popular Barbie line of toys that thrusts the iconic doll into the exciting, modern world of plastic surgery.

“We wanted a Barbie for the 21st Century,” announced a beaming Stockton. “We’ve often been criticized for manufacturing an unrealistic, unattainable image of the female body, so we’ve decided that now is the time to introduce a Barbie that shows young girls how the modern woman actually becomes so pretty.”

“Make-Me-Pretty Barbie does that and more.”

Make-Me-Pretty Barbie will come packed with new features and an array of exciting accessories, including a baggy surgical cap and gown for Barbie to wear during surgeries, a wheelchair for realistic mobility after each surgery, and an erasable marker for drawing surgical lines directly onto Barbie. The package will also include a variety of painkillers in small bottles, syringes for Botox injections, and a scalpel for taking care of every nip and tuck imaginable.

Unlike traditional Barbies, Make-Me-Pretty Barbie is average-looking out of the box. The new doll arrives with unflattering age lines on her face, chunky pockets of excess fat around her midsection, and a paltry A cup-size. Using the included surgical procedure guide, Barbie can be transformed back to her familiar, beautiful self through a series of fun and educational cosmetic enhancement surgeries that are quick and easy to perform.

“Every young girl should be fully prepared when they go in for their first plastic surgery,” said Stockton. “Make-Me-Pretty Barbie will help educate girls about all the different types of surgeries available to them, the different tools required for each one, and also help create a familiarity with the process that will lessen any unwarranted fears about the procedures.”

“We know there’s a Barbie in every girl just waiting to be carved out,” added Stockton.

The new doll is already receiving criticism from parent groups and other concerned parties that think Make-Me-Pretty Barbie is radically altering the very core of what Barbie stands for.

“When I was a girl Barbie stood as a cold reminder that you were either born pretty or you weren’t,” says Debra Kennings, a developmental psychologist at the University of Michigan. “It’s important for young girls to feel a crushing sense of insecurity, self-loathing, and utter helplessness when it comes to their looks during their formative years, and that’s what Barbie represented. Make-Me-Pretty Barbie is eliminating that entirely by teaching them that they have a choice in the matter.”

“I’m just worried that this new generation of girls won’t be hard enough on themselves,” concluded Kennings.

Mattel is hoping that the announcement of Make-Me-Pretty Barbie will build excitement for the upcoming roll-out of their new ‘My-First-Abortion’ Barbie line, which is set to hit store shelves at the end of the month.