ORLANDO, FL — Lizzie Warren found herself utterly stuck as she searched fruitlessly for a new and interesting way to phrase ‘happy birthday’ to each and every person on the long list of Facebook birthdays she was socially-compelled to acknowledge.

Warren awoke to find that seven of her friends had birthdays today

“I can’t just write ‘happy birthday!’ unless I want to look like a terrible friend,” explained Warren as she stared at the blank text box in front of her. “It has to be clever and funny and perfectly represent my relationship with the person if I ever want this friendship to succeed.”

“And so help me God if I cop out again by writing ‘happy birthday’ in a foreign language.”

In the past Warren has used cute re-wordings and misspellings such as “happy anniversary of your birth!” and “happy birfday!” to delight and impress her recipients. She has also been known to pepper in inside jokes to illustrate how well she knows the unique and quirky personalities of her friends. However, after many years and hundreds of Facebook friends who continue to celebrate birthdays, Warren’s schtick has run its course.

“I guess maybe I could write something heartfelt and personal instead? But do I really want to put that on their public wall? I could send it as a direct message! No, I can’t do that because then no one else would be able to see that I wished them ‘happy birthday’, which is basically social suicide,” rambled Warren as she worked through each increasingly desperate scenario.

“Maybe I won’t write on anyone’s wall and then I can pretend that I wasn’t on Facebook all day! But I already posted a status update earlier. Dammit!”

Warren eventually settled on “happy birthday!!!”, a tragically boilerplate comment that was not salvaged by its inclusion of three exclamation points as Warren had hoped. Warren was unfriended immediately following the post.