Actor Not Sure Who To Suck Up To
LOS ANGELES, CA — 32 year-old actor and barista Chet Collins found himself at a loss this morning when he was unable to identify which person he was supposed to suck up to on the set of a Quaker Oats commercial.
“Hey, what’s up, I’m Chet. Are you the producer or…?” asked Collins of every person he came into contact with upon arriving at the studio for his 8:00AM call time. “Oh, cool, cool. Yeah I’m the talent, so…”
After expounding on his exhaustive list of minor credits to the hair and makeup department, Collins sidled up to any member of the crew who was not immediately occupied with a task to discuss his work history.
“This is a pretty big production, but I’ve been on some that were like, crazy big,” trumpeted Collins to a production assistant who he misidentified as someone important. “No, I can’t remember what they were for. I’ve just been on so many, ya know?”
Undeterred, Collins re-positioned himself next to the coffee station at the craft service table.
“If I know one thing about producers it’s that they’ve gotta have their morning joe,” chortled Collins to a polite but disinterested craft service worker. “None for me, though, I’m more of a tea guy.”
“Can’t get all jittery on caffeine before I do my thing, ya know?” concluded the unsolicited diatribe.
Collins was later seen hovering near a sleek-haired man in a trendy denim shirt and leather boots who was talking passionately into a cell phone. The man pushed past Collins before a conversation could be initiated.
“You can get a pretty good sense of who’s just part of the crew and who’s a producer based on how they’re dressed,” explained Collins. “Most of the blue collar crew guys are in cargo shorts and have lots of tools hanging off their belts. But producers wear cool clothes and always have a cell phone in their hands.”
“They’re the ones you need to suck up to.”
Collins made another tragic misstep when he spent a full hour having a very endearing conversation with a woman who he later learned was only responsible for putting footage onto hard drives.
“Man, I really pulled out all the stops with her. But it turns out she can’t do anything for my career. What a waste of time.”
As of press time, Collins was standing in a corner of the studio taking a series of selfies and giving each photo the tagline “set life”.