White Guy Requires Man Cave To “Unwind” After Long Day of Privilege
MILWAUKEE, WI – After his uneventful, relatively short work day that included zero instances of racial prejudice, zero threat of sexual assault, and zero religious persecution, local white guy Tony Stevenson retired to his man cave to escape from his full day of privilege.
“I just need a place for myself to unwind, ya know?” says Stevenson as he cracks open a beer, reclines in his La-Z-Boy, and flips on his 60″ LED TV. “If I didn’t have this man cave I’d go nuts.”
Stevenson, who works as a tax attorney from 9 to 5, eats three square meals a day, has a healthy savings account, and is never in any danger of becoming a victim of a hate crime, wishes he could spend more time putzing around in his man cave.
“My wife is always on me about this and that. The kids have always got some concert I’ve gotta go to. And the boss is always breathing down my neck,” explains an exasperated Stevenson. “After all that I’ve only got time for two, maybe three rounds of Call of Duty. Tops.”
“Sometimes I feel like things just aren’t fair for me.”
Stevenson has no student debt, was hired straight out of college to a mid-level position at a high-ranking firm by his uncle, and has never been followed around a convenience store by a suspicious sales clerk. He counts “choosing what to eat for lunch” as his main daily struggle.
“If people knew how hard it is to be me then they’d understand why I need this man cave,” says Stevenson. “I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, I work hard, and I deserve a little something that’s just for me.”
“Want to walk a mile in these shoes?” challenges Stevenson. “Didn’t think so.”
As of press time Stevenson was heard audibly sighing because his Internet connection was causing his HBO Go stream to buffer for a second.