Nation Disappointed Black Man Not More Violent
LAS VEGAS, NV — Audiences nationwide were left disheartened and betrayed after watching the over-hyped, borderline-pacifist boxing match between undefeated world champion Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Filipino superstar Manny Pacquiao on Saturday night.
“That was so lame,” says disillusioned viewer Dan Fitzroy of Ohio. “I paid $100 to watch this thing and the black guy barely even threw a punch.”
“Isn’t that what he’s trained to do?”
Twitter was quick to react to the boring bout with such quips as “Dancing With The Stars with fewer punches #MayPac” and “Mayweather only needs 4 more punches on his card before he gets a free sandwich #MayNap”.
Mayweather was crowned the champion with a score of 116 to Pacquiao’s 112, a scoring metric previously unknown to 95% of viewers that rewards technical prowess as opposed to brute force.
“Isn’t the fight over when someone’s too bloody to stand up?” asks Cheryl Palmer, a disgruntled viewer from Arkansas. “I guess I was expecting the black guy to get really angry and bash the hispanic guys’ face in.”
“That’s what I’m used to seeing from the news.”
The nation is set to grumble about the issue for several days before redirecting their energy to lambasting the violent protests in Baltimore.