Every American right now

INDIANAPOLIS, IN — The entirety of the human race let out a deep sigh early this morning when they realized that the newly appropriated Indiana Religious Freedom Restoration Act was not an elaborate April Fool’s Day prank put on by Republican governor Mike Pence.

“Fuck,” said Fort Wayne resident Sheila Stanhope when she awoke to discover that the law was still in effect and had not been, as hoped, a convoluted ruse. “Is this really the world I live in?”

The law, which allows companies to discriminate based on religious preferences, has been blasted for its anachronistic approach to discriminatory practices. For instance, a bakery can now refuse to bake a wedding cake for a gay couple based on religious principles.

“This is the 21st fucking century,” groaned Jason Wright, a tax attorney in Gary. “What the fuck is wrong with people?”

Governor Pence has been quick to sidestep questions pertaining to the discriminatory aspects of the law, but has made a statement responding to the April Fool’s Day lamentations.

“If I had it my way, this would have been an April Fool’s Day prank,” said Pence of his Jim Crow style legislation. “I think we all know that the law doesn’t go far enough! This is a free country, and as a straight, white male I should have the freedom to discriminate against whomever I please.”

“I think there’s a majority who agrees with me,” he concluded smugly.

As of press time, the law is still not an April Fool’s Day joke.