ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY, AZ — Courtney Walsh, a twenty year-old sophomore at Arizona State University, was left feeling uneasy after smoothly and expediently navigating her university’s rape complaint system.

The new procedure was introduced as a time-saving measure due to an influx in rape complaints

“I guess I thought it would be a long and complicated process,” says the disquieted communications major, “but it was alarmingly simple.”

“They even had numbered tickets for calling up the next girl in line.”

The procedure, which includes a simple question-and-answer packet, an optional form for filing a complaint with the campus police, and a ten minute session with an unlicensed counselor, takes an average of 30 minutes per girl to complete.

“We know how busy our students are, so we made it our goal to get these girls in and out and on with their lives as quickly as possible,” explains Deborah Koenig, an administrator at the university’s student health center.

“We’ve found that once the girls complete our simple procedure they’re able to start the important process of repressing and forgetting much more quickly.”

Walsh admitted that she was glad the system was consolidated and straightforward, but was unsure how seriously the university would take her complaint.

“On my way out they told me I should download their iPhone app so that I wouldn’t have to come all the way down to the health center next time. Then they handed me a bunch of condoms and told me to ‘stay safe’.”

“It was all so quick I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do next. I guess nothing,” concludes the victim of a horrifying, life-altering, body-violating crime.

The streamlined process is reportedly even easier for male rape victims who are given several high-fives and told to be happy that they got any action at all.